Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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