yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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