Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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