I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
