that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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