Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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