I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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