Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
