I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
