tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
