My liver just broke up with me...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
