I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
