Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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