I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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