So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize
