Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
