I'm so fucking centered right now
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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