Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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