My sheets look like a crime scene.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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