hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
