This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
