I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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