I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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