I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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