oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
