I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is Oprah even human
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
