Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
