I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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