i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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