Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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