i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
