So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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