she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
