Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
