ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
