Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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