I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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