Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
