i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
