can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
