I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
