dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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