I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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