Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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