After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
