He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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