his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
