Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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