She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
