Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
