if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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