My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
