If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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