I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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