i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
