Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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