You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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