what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
