So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
