We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
